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Panic-demic: There are no vaccines for fear, so you can do this instead.

Panic-demic: There are no vaccines for fear, so you can do this instead.

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When a client and I develop a treatment plan for anxiety, I always start by having them memorize two sentences:

  1. “Fear of death doesn’t keep you from dying, it just keeps your from living.”
  2. “Anxiety is uncomfortable but not dangerous.” 

I wish I could take credit for these sentences, but I heard them years ago from two different people.  I also wish I could remember their names… 

From a five-year-old TED talk given by Bill Gates, to articles written in the turn of the century warning about potential viral outbreaks from exotic foods, to a 3,400 year old health law telling people that bats should not be eaten (Leviticus 11:19), one thing is clear: we have not learned our lesson.  The stuff we have only seen in movies is happening before our eyes, and when our lives become part of the script we sure have no idea how to act. 

Do we play it cool and let the dust settle?  Do we go along with the panic so useful for the media? Do we find a middle ground and oscillate between fear and hope?  I don’t know what your coping strategy is, but whatever perspective you take, this crisis will sure reveal something about you that you wouldn’t otherwise know.  This is what happens during difficult times. 

Historically, when crises have hit America we’ve done a good job at coming together to find strength in unity.  This one is a bit different; due to the nature of a viral pandemic, the last thing we want to do is come together.  “Social distancing” is the new term that up until recently has made no sense to me.  Of course we can still “come together” in other ways, and that has been good.  Technology has helped a lot.  We are praying more for one another, we are contacting each other more over the various social media platforms, and even churches are conducting services online.  We are trying to live as normally as we can under these circumstances. 

We can already begin to speculate on the direction society will take after the Covid-19 crisis.  Hollywood will undoubtably join in on the action with movies about this time in our lives, and the medical industry is already shifting its attention to a gap that existis in the infectious disease department.  I’m already looking forward to our collective learning.  Maybe we’ll admit that person to person contact is actually important, and that being together for a concert or a church service is beneficial for our mental health.

When the world experiences a panic attack we may find ourselves gasping for air.  Everywhere we turn we find more question marks than exclamation points.  For a generation that has been spoiled by safe spaces, when those spaces are gone the real enemy starts to emerge.  Unfortunately for many, that enemy is their very thoughts. 

If we look at the numbers, we probably live in the safest time in human history.  Although some disagree, we do live in good, predictable, spoiled times.  Why, then,  are anxiety disorders continuing to rise? The short answer is that anxiety has nothing to do with what’s happening outside ourselves and everything to do with what’s happening between our ears.  Anxiety is more about how we interpret a situation than the situation itself.  The anxiety about an event is, in the vast majority of cases, far worse than the event itself.

When I’m talking to a client who struggles with anxiety, we usually start by creating a short list of five aspects of their lives they have control over.  We then create a list of five aspects of their lives they have no control over.  Although the answers vary slightly, these are the most common answers:

Things that I have control over:

  1. My decisions
  2. My time (present)
  3. My beliefs
  4. My finances
  5. My habits

 Things I have no control over:

  1. The decisions of others
  2. The past and the future
  3. My thoughts (you may have no control over the thoughts that come into your mind, but you have control over which ones to believe)
  4. The thoughts of others
  5. The weather (this includes natural disasters)

When the activity is done, I say something like this: “You can give yourself permission to worry about everything on the first list, but take a break from worrying about the other list…after all, you have no control over that stuff.”  For the spiritually interested client, we can go a step further and say: “the no-control list belongs to God, let Him worry about that for you.”  The interesting thing about this activity is that people quickly realize that the majority of things they have been fearful of are in the “no control” list.  No wonder they have been spiraling down the anxiety pit for a long time.  It takes time for people to escape their negative automatic thoughts (NATs), but when it happens they notice how much of life they’ve been missing. 

Let’s end with another list.  This one is more specific to our current Coronavirus crisis.  If you’re wondering how to cope with this, think about the following:

  1. Stay away from excessive news watching (they’re just reminding you of things you have no control over) – five minutes a day is enough to know the latest.
  2. Read – challenge yourself to read a book in the next two weeks.  You won’t regret it.
  3. Rest – go ahead, sleep more, it’s ok.
  4. Exercise – you might as well boost your immunity.
  5. Use all that toilet paper to teach your kids how the Egyptians buried their royalty.

Stay safe! 

The Fortnite Obsession

The Fortnite Obsession

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One of the most rewarding parts of my job is helping a teenager go from “whatever-itis” to discovering that real life is actually worth living.  Young people are already dealing with a host of internal struggles that require an ever increasing ability to cope with reality.  Whatever removes them from accepting and confronting real life hinders their psychological growth, and automatically sets them up for future anxiety, panic, depression, and so on.  Reality will always stare them in the face at the end of the day, no matter how hard they try to escape it.

The developing brain is a remarkable machine that is constantly pruning itself and sharpening its corners. Without this constant “brainscaping” the neurological grass will always be messy, cluttered, and confused.  The childhood and teenage years are crucial in terms of input from outside.  The avenues of the mind need to be constantly guarded for the neurons to create a psychological work of art that will strengthen the person as the years roll on.  If those years are wasted in toxic activities, such as playing too much videogames, the results can be devastating.  The addictive nature of certain games will create a dependency that may follow the person throughout life, event though the object of the addiction may change.

In talking to some of my younger clients, I have noticed a scary “I don’t care” attitude to almost any activity that doesn’t involve a certain stimulus.  In this case, videogames.  To be more specific, the game Fortnite has been vacuuming teenagers’ minds with a force that is akin to the strongest illicit drugs you can think of.  Fortnite is a third-person shooter game that is creating an itch and scratching it at the same time.  It attracts the young masses because it’s free to play, but once they are hooked, they need to constantly purchase new upgrades in order for the “fun” to continue.  An effective marketing strategy to say the least.  If you take a quick internet look you’ll notice that parents are losing battles left and right with their kids over this game, let alone the marriages that are being dissolved.  It is a poisonous arrow that was aimed at our kids and pierced their skill with pinpoint accuracy.

Millions of children and teenagers across the world are in bed with Fortnite, and don’t you dare tell them to stop! If you remove their drug, be prepared for the withdrawal guilt-trips, threats, rage, tantrums, self-harming behaviors, insomnia, irritability, and unfortunately even suicidal ideation.  The more they play, the stronger the relationship; the obsession is such that, for some, life is just not worth living without Fortnite.

What can you do about it?

  1. Understand that the world does not care about your children’s happiness.  They see your kids as consumers and easy targets.  There are no morals and values in the entertainment world.  Their god is money, and they will gladly sacrifice your children on their alters.
  2. Educate yourself on your child’s world.  It may sound like a waste of time to learn about stupid addicting games, but if they’re eating your children, the least you can do is familiarize yourself with the monster.
  3. Educate your children.  Explain to them why certain games are not healthy and are not allowed in the home.  Stand your ground.  Don’t succumb to manipulative tactics kids use to shame you into giving in.
  4. Admit that you’re dealing with an addiction.  Addicted individuals are really good at doing and saying whatever is needed to keep the addiction alive, even pretending to go along with your plan for a while.
  5. Gradually replace the addictive substance with something else.  It could be a board game, joining a soccer league, hiking, scouts, puzzle, fishing, drawing, playing an instrument, table tennis, etc.
  6. Make time to be with your kids.  I know you have a job and schedules are tight.  But ask yourself this: Do you prefer having “that” car, living in “that” house, taking “that” trip and losing your child; or do you prefer having a simpler life and giving your child his or her parents back?
  7.  Screens are not babysitters.
  8. Work with your children and for your children in expanding their social circle.  By social, I don’t mean social networks.  I’m still trying to figure out what’s so “social” about that.  From after school activities, to joining a church, to horseback riding, you can find something to help you kids enjoy the real world and real relationships.
  9. Spending money on quality activities with your children is not wasted money, it’s an investment.  Wasted money is buying a video-game.
  10. Gaming is not a coping skill.  There are therapists out there who will insist that video-games are effective “coping skills” to help you child “feel better.”  Gaming will make your child’s tantrum go away the same way snorting coke will.

Chances are you have tried some of these strategies.  It takes time.  Getting professional help may also be a good idea, depending on the history, and whether or not your child already has some mood issues to deal with.  Remember that you need to be the voice of reason for your children.  As a parent, your primary job is not to make your children “like” you, it’s to discipline them with love and firmness so as to ensure they reach their potential.

 

When Curiosity Dies

When Curiosity Dies

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I remember a time when I was fascinated by things I didn’t understand.  I still remember watching my father send a fax to a friend who lived on the other side of the world.  Of course, this was the pre-internet era.  It was already cool enough to talk to people over the telephone, but to send and receive actual written material was beyond me.  My nine-year-old brain wondered: did his words travel through the air?  How can all those paragraphs fit inside the wires and travel so fast?  When I saw a fax coming over, I would think about how those words organized themselves to be exactly like it was when it was written.  I remember asking my parents about it, my friends, my parents’ friends, and my teacher.  I think I even asked my pastor.  I don’t think any answer satisfied me…not because they weren’t true, but perhaps because my young mind simply couldn’t make sense of it.  It didn’t help to hear an explanation like: “it travels through electricity,” or “the written words travel just like the spoken words, but they’re deciphered in a different way.”  Okay, I could sort of understand how sound traveled because I remember doing the experiment with the plastic cups connected with a string, but written stuff? I needed more than that.  Don’t forget that I couldn’t “google” anything because google wasn’t around in 1993.  That curiosity bothered me; but it bothered me in a good way.  Who was the mind behind this “magic?”  What kind of person wakes up and says: “I’m going to make a robot that can send letters through the air?”  I must confess that over time I just learned to accept that I had no clue how the thing worked, I just knew that it worked. 

A similar situation happened when I first started playing the trumpet.  How can this instrument with only three pistons make so many notes?  I remember taking my trumpet apart, running water through it, looking at the different combinations of holes and pipes, and finally understanding how it worked…of course it took multiple attempts and several months of thinking.  It was a glorious day to say the least.  I think I was about 12 or 13 years old when it made sense.  I learned that the length of each pipe, and the speed of the air coming from my vibrating lips worked together with the pressing of the pistons to create an unlimited variety of sounds.  After that it was easier to understand how a trombone works, how a flute works, saxophone, clarinet, tuba, and virtually all other wind and brass instrument.  That simple understanding helped open a door that demystified a whole species of instruments. 

When I got my first guitar, at 12, I went through the same process.  I finally understood why every acoustic guitar had a hole in the middle, why each string was different, how tuning works, and the beautiful combination of different vibrations.  I would imagine the sound waves hitting each other at different speeds when I was tuning, or when a piece of music had a deliberate dissonant note, and why it mattered.  My curiosity helped me understand how those instruments were made, and how the sounds had an impact on me.  It also helped me learn other instruments on my own.

Speaking of sounds and instruments, I continued my journey to “figure it out” by taking speakers apart, books, computer mouse (admit it, you also couldn’t resist playing with that rubber ball inside the mouse), toys, etc.  I remember being just as thrilled putting them back together as when taking them apart, as I had the feeling of “knowing what’s inside.”  When we understand how something works, it slowly begins to open other possibilities, as it motivates us to keep digging and understanding our world.  It soon helps us transition from wanting to know how things work, to why they exist.  

Let me give you an example: my understanding of a dissonant chord being sound waves that interfere with each other will be incomplete if I don’t know why they’re used.  When you hear a dissonant chord, you instinctively know that something is wrong.  It doesn’t make sense, it’s awkward, it feels confusing, even irritating.  Then you hear a “resolution” and the chord produces sound waves that travel through the air without clashing, producing a smooth harmony.  All of a sudden that irritating and incomplete “feeling” resolves itself and the listener can finally breathe again.  Sometimes a “wrong” or dissonant chord is there to help us appreciate the harmonious chord.  Maybe it reminds us that things in life sometimes are incomplete, irritable, or just bad and we want it to stop so we can relax again.  We can listen to the same “pattern” in music and look forward to the time when the dissonance will stop and we can calm down.  That is the “why.”  That simple example helps us understand why music can accurately reflect life, and serve as a partner to share our emotions.  

When we feed our curiosity in healthy ways, we expand our intellect and learn to exercise patience, among other things.  I have noticed in the last decade a gradual, painful death of curiosity.  As much as I avoid reading into things, I can’t help but wonder if there’s a negative correlation between curiosity and mental health problems.  I have definitely noticed a decrease in curiosity and an increase in apathy at least among many of my clients.  Most of those individuals are younger, between 10 and 30, and a big chunk of my initial work with them is to help them care…about anything.  It seems like they’re only “curious” about the next generation smart phone, video-game, or streaming series to binge watch.  And even then it’s a very short lived curiosity.  Everything else seems to take a back seat.  

I worry when I think about the future leaders, teachers, and examples who have spent more time consuming life than figuring out how life works.  It seems like our generation forgot that every idea that makes their life fun and easy had a very curious person behind it.  What’s so important about curiosity nowadays?  How does it affect our relationships? Research has identified four ways in which curiosity helps us.  Let’s go through them and find out a few lessons we can learn.

  1. People who are curious have better relationships.  It turns out that when it comes to relationships, it is much better to be interested than interesting.  People will naturally treat you better if you show that you are curious about them, and vice versa.  Keep in mind that there’s always a balance; being curious is not the same as being obsessive.  Obsession is that thing that makes you want to look at social media every five minutes to see what is trending, or who is traveling to the amazing place that you’ll never afford.  That is not curiosity.  It’s actually a deceptive form of selfishness…but that’s not what we’re talking about today.  Think about your own experience; do you find yourself more attracted to individuals who ask questions or who just want answers? 
  2. People who are curious deal with rejection better.  Maybe it’s due to the ongoing shot of “hope” that curious people have, or maybe they have learned to look at different angles of a difficult situation.  Whatever the case, research is finding that curious people don’t allow rejection to define their lives as much as others. 
  3. People who are curious show less aggression.  Curious people don’t take things too personally, at least when compared to less curious people.  The theory is that curious people have an improved ability to take another person’s perspective, which naturally creates empathy.  When we are able to step in other people’s shoes, we’re much more likely to treat them with respect, even if they’ve done something against us. 
  4. Curious people enjoy socializing more.  Maybe we didn’t need research to tell us this one, but it’s always good to have some science to back it up; it sounds more sophisticated.  There’s the added anti-anxiety benefit to being curious.  People who experience social anxiety, another increasing problem, tend to focus on themselves more (e.g., heart rate, sweating, posture, breathing, etc.) which consequently cause others to be less interested.  When you let go of those self-evaluating tendencies you give yourself permission to be interested in others, thus allowing others to feel more relaxed and open around you, which will in turn decrease your nervousness.  It’s easy to see how the snow-ball effect happens, so try your hardest to stop looking at yourself and get to know others. *

If you are a naturally shy person and have struggled to “care” about how things work, or genuinely show interest in other people, there is good news.  Anyone can learn to develop curiosity.  Next time you stop by your favorite restaurant on a Saturday night and see a tired waiter trying to help you enjoy your meal, take some time to ask a few simple questions to show them someone cares.  Or when you find yourself driving to the mechanic to have your oil changed, open the hood and try to figure it out…who knows, you may save a few bucks over time, and in the process become a more interested/interesting person. 

Source: 

*https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_curious_people_have_better_relationships

Instant gratification and some good Old Testament tips

Instant gratification and some good Old Testament tips

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If there’s a virtue that characterize an optimally functioning individual, it’s the ability to exercise patience. Having the strength to demonstrate peace and serenity while chaos reigns all around is a quality that fewer people are willing to cultivate. This lost gem is often a common theme among the individuals that I see in my practice. Whether we are dealing with a spouse who expects his or her partner to change life-long habits within a few days, a child who is unable to sit through a homework assignment, a teacher who forgot that some students need more time and support than others for some subjects, or a businessman whose experiencing panic attacks triggered by the unrealistic deadlines required by his boss; impatience is everywhere.

Rather than going through the endless amount of research on the subject of instant gratification, let’s continue with our theme of figuring if the Bible addresses these issues; and if so, how can we apply its psychological anti-venom to this subject.

Living in a culture that believes it’s virtuous to be in constant fast-forward mode, where people pride themselves in being “go-getters,” always “on the go,” and “driven,” it is no wonder that impatience starts to leak through. This faux virtue creates a ripple effect of anxiety, anger, fear, depression, and sucks the joy out of the simple things in life that require us to stop and listen. One of the reasons why mindfulness practices are increasing in popularity is not because there’s anything special about being mindful, it’s just that we have lost the ability to sit through discomfort. We want immediate results. Anything that requires us to wait, endure, or stop, triggers an automatic safety response that distracts us from enjoying the pause. Instant gratification is, and has been, a major player in the psychopathology of our culture. It is a natural byproduct of the “pleasure principle,” which basically means we are designed to satisfy our needs as quickly as possible. However, we are in a constant battle between what we consider a “need” and a “desire.” If you are stuck underwater, it’s ok to immediately find out ways to fulfill your need to breathe (although even in those extreme situations the ability to exercise patience and to think carefully can be a lifesaver). Savvy marketing strategies are continually developing ways to tap into our instincts and convince us that we need the next tablet as much as we needto eat. And once we get the new device, they are finding ways to get us to look at the screen as much as we need to breathe.

Scripture is filled with examples that teach us the importance of patience, and that God’s methods are the exact opposite of what society has accustomed us to. We often come across stories where God is leading His children through an apparently uncertain, often long and arduous path before the benefits can be reaped. In a culture where the unspoken rule is “enjoy now, pay later,” characterizing the 21st century credit-card mentality where the reward often precedes the effort, it does take a lot of self discipline to live contrary to that wave. But no material, immediate reward can surpass the peace of mind that comes when the reward is the finish line instead of the starting point.

The crowning act of God’s work, man, was not made until the final day of creation; the “very good” came after all of the “goods” in the first chapter of Genesis. In Exodus, the promise land was only conquered after forty years of wilderness wondering; before the milk and honey could be enjoyed, they had to deal with the discipline. The work of character building is never easy, but it’s always worth it, as it prepares us for an eternal reward. One of the reasons why it is important to spend time studying scripture daily is because we learn to detect God’s guiding hand when the going gets tough in our lives.

We see this in stories like that of Abraham, who received a promise from God that he and his wife Sarah would have a son, despite the old age–he was 75 at the time. In a patriarchal society where having children was life insurance and a symbol of God’s favor, the promise could not have sounded more sweet. The problem is that God appeared to be playing a mean game with Abraham, as He routinely talked to Abraham as being the father of a “great nation” (Genesis 12:2) while the years rolled on without a positive pregnancy test. After twenty five years of strengthening patience, dependence, and trust, God’s promise came through and Isaac was born.

We see the same principle in the life of Abraham’s great grandson Joseph, in the final ten chapters of the book of Genesis, whose faithfulness only got him in trouble. He was unjustly sold as a slave by his own brothers, and unjustly sold as a traitor by his boss’s wife, thus doing needless time in a filthy prison. God appears surprisingly silent and aloof while His faithful servant suffers for something he didn’t do. Of course, at the end of the story we realize God’s invisible hand shaping Joseph’s path without interfering with anybody’s free will. The path that took him from being a mere slave to being the governor of Egypt, the most powerful kingdom of his time, was filled with pain and patience, but as always, God is never sleeping.

One of the ancient stories that has provided guidance to individuals from all walks of life, and has proven to be one of the most timeless narratives ever told, is the story of Job. Its applicability to our own lives is remarkable. It’s one of those books that we bring up when dealing with the problem of evil, suffering, the existence of God, and the purpose of life. Regardless of our background, humanity shares the same backstory. We are all players in the great controversy stage, and the story of Job provides a glimpse of what is really going on.

Not unlike Joseph, Job was also the target of unexplainable injustice. Despite being an extremely faithful man, God allowed him to experience pain in ways that transcend our vocabulary. Although he was very close to his family, interceding for his children daily, and enjoying the fruits of a loving household as evidenced by his children’s relationship with each other, he lived to see all of them dying a tragic, sudden death; in addition to losing all his wealth, health, and security. If it weren’t for the inside scoop of the conversation between God and Satan, the readers would surely scratch their heads in confusion about God’s goodness. After Satan squeezed Job’s faith until the last drop, Job remained committed to his principles and was able to grab hold of a hand he could not see. Job’s patience has gone down in history as an example of how to sit through extreme pain. He didn’t need to repeat mantras, to practice some type of meditation to transcend his experience, or to distract himself from reality using entertainment or fidget toys, as the majority of current psychotherapeutic interventions would suggest. Job only needed two things, and one of them was patience. He needed a kind of patience that is now an endangered species. It is important to remember that the same patience he learned to master is available to all of us, if only we would accept the opportunities to exercise it instead of binging on avoidance behaviors.
The other thing that Job needed will be discussed in a later article when we go through some of the biblical stories of depression. Suffice it to say, Job teaches us that the ability to withstand emotional, physical, and spiritual pain has more to do with our position as subjects of a cosmic conflict, being God’s representatives on earth, than a personal attack on our wellbeing. That is why we must take advantage of the opportunities to build our characters. It is only through accepting the strain of the moment that we become stronger, as Oswald Chambers puts it in his classic “My Utmost for His Highest,” especially when seeing that God always comes through even if it is at the very end. Actually, the “end” is only an end because God intervenes. The final chapter of Job’s story gives us this assurance, and with it the privilege to claim the promise of a sure rescue.

I suspect you have also noticed your tendency to avoid some healthy discomfort.  Of course there’s nothing wrong with that, as we were designed to get away from pain.  But we also need to keep in mind that our discomfort threshold will never increase if we don’t allow ourselves to struggle a little.  I don’t know where your balance is, all I know is that we are in desperate need of people who can absorb some emotional darts without breaking into pieces.  Maybe the next time you find yourself in the back of a long line, or having to wait those miserable fifteen seconds for a YouTube ad, you can think about the undercover blessings God is trying to hand you.

Survival of the “Selfishest”

Survival of the “Selfishest”

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By this time in the game of life, we should have realized that society has taken a “u” turn towards me. The ability to develop empathy, meaningful non-virtual relationships, and other-centered love has been largely replaced by the idea that putting “me” first is the only way to achieve personal growth. In case we forget that, we can always be reminded of the importance of “me” by the front facing camera on our phones.

When self becomes number one, the rest of the world becomes at best number two. That mindset creates an automatic devaluation of others, thus making it easier to discriminate, bully, and undermine the infinite value possessed by every living soul. It is no wonder that the same generation that pretends to defend the “coexist” mantra is also deifying self and making ruthless war against all who stand in their way. As soon as my feelings are hurt, your wellbeing is a mere annoyance. What we are seeing, again, is an obvious and deliberate turn from the godly values that serve as a foundation for peace.

“He must increase, but I must decrease.” John 3:30

This verse provides a simple, practical counsel as to how we can counteract this deceptive model that puts self at the center. It may even sound contradicting, but when you think of others before you think of yourself, a surge of life-giving energy pumps through your body that is more effective than many of the counsels you receive through the appropriately called “self-help” isle.

When Jesus said that it is “more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35), He was not merely giving a humble proverb to keep His children from being mean, He was giving yet another prescription for life. We are actually designed to give. This universe was carefully orchestrated to play the music of selflessness, creating a never ending cycle of giving. In his book “Could It Be This Simple,” Dr. Timothy Jennings describes this life law as follows:

“In nature we witness this cycle in the sun warming the oceans, which creates the clouds, which rain on the land to form lakes, rivers, and streams, which flow through the land bringing life…The plants produce the oxygen necessary for animals to live, and animals in turn produce carbon dioxide, which plants need to grow…Even in nature, when giving ceases so does life. The pool of water that stops flowing and releasing its water soon stagnates, and everything in it dies. When we cease to give our breath to benefit the plants, we inevitably die. It is through giving that we live.” p. 60-61.

We all know that receiving help, care, and support helps to reduce stress. Research has shown time and again that being the receivers of loving actions is associated with a longer lifespan, as it lowers coronary artery disease, hypertension, ulcers, and even alcoholism. However, studies are also pointing to the added advantages of giving help, care and support that go beyond the benefits of receiving, especially when it comes to mental health. In fact, one study even indicates that volunteerism can help you live slightly longer than if you exercise four times per week without volunteering (Russek & Schwartz, 1997).

There really is a life-giving quality to putting others first. It is no wonder the apostle Paul, when describing what love is in his first letter to the Corinthians, chapter 13, wrote the phrase “it is not self-seeking” as the pinnacle of his great chapter on love. That is the crux of the matter; the more you love, the more you give; the more you give, the more you live. Speaking of “crux,” there’s no greater example of life-generating altruistic love than the Creator of the universe hanging on a cross to transfer His life to a dead humanity.

One of the facets of the cross is precisely this. Hanging on that tree, Jesus accomplished more than the forgiveness, redemption, and revelation of His character. He put humanity back in tune with the life-giving force that pulls together all creation. The dissonant note introduced by sin was erased by the greatest act of selflessness ever witnessed by the universe.

It is often assumed that love and hate are at opposite ends of the spectrum. But looking at it closely, we can see that hate is not the opposite of love. In fact, love and hate are dangerously close to each other. The more you love, the more you’ll hate. Think about it, the more you love children the more you’ll hate abortion; the more you love peace the more you’ll hate war. Your hate is proportionate to your love. When God said He hates divorce, it only reflects His love for marriage. God’s abhorrence of deception only reveals His love for truth. God’s hatred of sin is a declaration of love towards sinners. The more you love others, the more you want to distance yourself from selfish tendencies.

Going along with the aposte Paul’s definition of love as being expressed as selflessness, its opposite could only be putting self first. It is very difficult to empathize, love, and care when your primary objective is to find out what’s in it for you. Although it has manifested itself in diverse ways, selfishness has been the backbone of the invisible monster that has ruined empires, governments, marriages, careers, and lives. It is a cancer that gradually grows, sometimes imperceptibly, and destroys itself after doing its pleasurable damage to the host.

As we have seen, our philosophical confusion has enthroned the self as never before. It now rests with each of us to both recognize and reverse this strongest of tendencies. A good start is to rediscover the joy of being genuinely happy for the success of others, and to teach our children to do the same. It’s not that hard, is it?

Sources:

Jennings, T. R. (2007). Could it be this simple: A biblical model for healing the mind. Review & Herald Publishing Association.

Russek, L. G., & Schwartz, G. E. (1997). Perceptions of parental caring predict health status in midlife: A 35-year follow-up of the Harvard Mastery of Stress Study. Psychosomatic Medicine, 59, 144–149.

Confusing Beliefs

Confusing Beliefs

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If we were to take a careful look at the postmodern spectacles through which our generation views the world, the increasing rates of mood disorders seem contradictory. In an age where people are encouraged to express themselves in any way they please, especially if it makes them “feel good,” or “happy,” the results should have been quite different.

The generation that preaches unfiltered love, tolerance at all costs, and total acceptance of the unacceptable, as long as “you don’t hurt others,” should be the most liberated and satisfied generation that ever existed. Right? By that logic, depression, anxiety, and suicide should have been extinct by now. Yet it is this very generation that is struggling with hopelessness and suicidal thoughts the most.

I have come across many individuals who were fierce defenders of the idea that healing is achieved by living a “care free” life that gave them a safe space to express themselves without the burden of being judged. Those individuals held the very true belief that “love is what matters.” I’ll be the first one to say that I also believe that we should be able to express ourselves freely without being judged, and that love is indeed what matters.

So what’s the difference? There is a problem in how those beliefs are lived. Although the belief itself may be innocent and true, how that belief is manifested makes all the difference. If it means that now I’m “free” to give in to my base instincts, experiment with mind altering substances, and have sex with anything that moves as long as nobody is hurt, then we have a problem. The otherwise true belief becomes a slave master in freedom’s clothing. The sure result of manipulating freedom into lawlessness is an illusory utopia that never satisfies. At least in my experience dealing with “postmodern” depression, those were the very individuals who had the most intense battles with self hate. And it happened in a context where their individuality and lifestyle was respected, sometimes even encouraged by peers and providers.

History is filled with examples of ideas and philosophies that seem foolproof in theory, but their practicality is not so simple. During the French Revolution, the seven-day week was replaced by a ten-day week with the implementation of the the French Republican Calendar. Their rationale was to eliminate all vestiges of religion and to improve life with the decimalization of France (Ronan, C. et al, 2005). Of course that did not work. The dark history of the holocaust was due to Hitler’s demonic idea of trying to purify and improve society by insisting certain races were superior to others. Of course that evolutionary concept didn’t work either (Weikart, R. 2004). Europe has tried to unify itself for centuries, an idea that seems great on the surface, but it is still not working. As long as people keep trying to change or improve the principles that govern this universe, they will continue to fail, no matter how “good” the idea seems.

Western civilization has seen a gradual philosophical shift over the last few decades that exemplifies this reality. In trying to incorporate a dialectical worldview into an “either-or” society built on Jodeo-Christian values, we have not become enlightened, we’ve become confused. Though sometimes it takes a while for the practical ineffectiveness of the “both-and” worldview to appear, it inevitably does.

Society preaches that we should embrace diversity while simultaneously insisting we are all the same. That we should search for truth, meaning and purpose while shaming those who find it. That we should tolerate all lifestyle choices and perspectives while being intolerant of those who don’t hold that opinion. That absolute truth doesn’t exist while insisting that this idea is an absolute truth. That all opinions are to be respected while protesting those who don’t see things that way.

These confusing beliefs prevent people from developing depth of thought and expanding their minds, because the moment they do so they will realize the inefficiency of their belief system. Many individuals prefer to feel “offended” than to humbly reevaluate their worldview. This is a loss that few are willing to experience, so they just keep the spotlight on the surface and plug their ears to common sense. The Bible doesn’t miss a beat in describing this very attitude:

“But they refused to pay attention; stubbornly they turned their backs and covered their ears.” Zechariah 7:11.

The prophet Jeremiah spent his ministry trying to reason with people who chose not to listen, and in many ways our generation reflects his story:

“To whom can I speak and give warning? Who will listen to me? Their ears are closed so they cannot hear. The word of the Lord is offensive to them; they find no pleasure in it.” Jeremiah 6:10.

This willful refusal to acknowledge the whole truth is not unique to postmodern minds. In a sense it reminds me of a child plugging her ears while babbling in order to avoid hearing something that will awaken her morality. As people age, that attitude may not change, it just gets more sophisticated.

It is not difficult to notice that our generation is desperately trying to silence its conscience and “relativise” the pillars of our society by making self king. It has been over 500 years since Copernicus established that the earth is not the center of the universe. This generation is taking a further step backwards and insisting that each self is the center of their universe; a model that is bound to implode. Perhaps in some cases the spike in mood disorders is just a crushing manifestation of that implosion.

How about you? Have you been noticing the philosophical bedrock beneath your feet subtly shifting? Do you see a change so massive you have a hard time pinpointing what’s really going on?  Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences in the comment section below; I’m always willing to dig deeper and to keep learning.

 

Sources:

Ronan, C (2005). The Western Calendar and Calendar Reforms. Retrieved from https://www.britannica.com/science/calendar/The-Western-calendar-and-calendar-reforms

Wekart, R (2004). From Darwin to Hitler: Evolutionary Ethics, Eugenics and Racism in Germany. Palgrave Macmillan.

Treatment or Acceptance?

Treatment or Acceptance?

For the last fifteen years, I have had the privilege of studying human behavior and the mind. I have always been a curious person, and much of that curiosity was related to how people think, what they believe, and what makes people so different and so alike at the same time. I’m fascinated by how our experiences shape our thoughts and behaviors, and by our ability to shape our future when we are liberated from the false belief that we are mere victims of circumstances beyond our control. We have all heard stories of individuals who “beat the odds” by determining to reach a goal that others deemed impossible. Those stories reveal that this little three and a half pound supercomputer inside our heads is as marvelous and mysterious as the origin of the universe itself, perhaps because both came from the same maker. When truth heals our “victim-itis” we begin an amazing, though sometimes painful, journey towards peace. That’s where therapy comes in. Helping people regain control over their thoughts and emotions, while increasing insight is truly an inspirational endeavor.

One of the therapeutic approaches that has become well known for its effectiveness in producing change is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that considers the person’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as interconnected. You can’t expect to change for the better if your thoughts are either irrational, that is, maintained despite evidence to the contrary or insufficient evidence, or if you are giving your emotions more credit than they deserve. Helping people come to grips with reality by thinking, believing, and living the truth is foundational to effective therapies; yet many today are insisting on the delusion of the absolute relativity of truth. No matter how one tries to reinvent the therapeutic wheel, once its foundation is undermined, all you can hope for is a temporary relief. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy encourages people to learn from their mistakes. The word “mistake” already implies some degree of choice. Take a quick look at the dictionary and you will notice that the word “mistake” is associated with words like “error,” “wrong,” or “faulty.”  This already creates a problem for the postmodern mind; after all, if we were mere victims dancing to our own DNA, as atheist and science popularizer Richard Dawkins insists, our mistakes would not be mistakes; they would be destiny.

The subtle removal of the “choice” factor actually imprisons people’s minds rather than liberate them. Instead of encouraging responsibility, accountability, and change, it creates a false comfort that generates a careless attitude; “after all, I was born this way.” Accepting the things we cannot change is one thing, becoming victims of them is another. We must never confuse the two.

Slave Master

Slave Master

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According to the Walk Free Foundation (2018), there are approximately 40.3 million slaves across the world at this moment. Those slaves are victims of sex trafficking, debt bondage, descent-based slavery, forced marriage, forced labor, and child labor. Just in case you thought slavery was a thing of the past and that human beings have learned from their mistakes, think again…slavery is very much alive, and traffickers generate roughly $150 billion a year, according to Human Rights First (2018).

Having worked with victims of sexual abuse, neglect, and domestic violence, I cringe when I think of the day-to-day existence of those modern-day slaves. I have worked with young people whose trauma lead to an ongoing fight against nightmares, flashbacks, fears, anxieties, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts and feelings of worthlessness. Some of those individuals experience those symptoms every single day and have horrifyingly vivid nightmares throughout the night, if they can fall asleep at all. It is something no human being should even think of.

I don’t think anybody would disagree that the minds of those poor victims are severely damaged. Most of them, if not all, would need intense psychological help so they could lead a semi “normal” life. However, as damaged as those slaves may be, I don’t believe they are as psychologically crippled as their perpetrators. They may come in the form of wealthy business owners, well-known politicians, Hollywood elite, a church leader who puts on a saint mask, or innocent-looking Joe who lives down the street. The character flaw that underlie those people is much harder to deal with, as they have learned to lie to themselves so well that they can masterfully rationalize the absurd to an almost imperceptible degree. In a very real sense, they are the ones who are truly enslaved. They are slaves of their own desires. Selfishness is indeed the most cruel of masters.

Whether we talk about modern slave owners, corruption, developers of pyramid schemes, the compulsive gambler who throws his time and money away, the family member who tries to escape life through a shiny glass of alcohol, the woman who self-medicates with shopping, or the adolescent who has created a virtual entertainment hut in order avoid the “pain” of normalcy; it’s not hard to see the common denominator: they are all trying to fill a void in their soul. The problem is that genuine satisfaction and peace of mind is not easy to come across, so we must keep trying. Although the vast majority of us are not slaves, we have largely fallen victims to our own desires in one way or another. I use the word “victim” very carefully, as I do not believe we are powerless when faced with temptations. We must never forget that at the end of the day, no matter how hard our “slave master” hits us, we have the freedom to choose. Nonetheless, it is helpful to admit our shortcomings with regards to our weaknesses and be open to an outside source of support and guidance when needed. At the very least, we can start by owning up to those vulnerabilities and getting on the path to healing. After all, it’s healing that we need, both as individuals and as passengers on this massive spherical spaceship.

Given our condition, and even if we take a quick analysis of the pain, suffering, and injustice that surround us, the picture looks pretty grim. Chances are you have been through horrifying tragedies yourself and have experienced that pain that no words can express. Chances are that you have also been at the causal end of other people’s pain.

Whether our existence in this world is generally sad but punctuated by happy moments, or generally happy but punctuated by sad moments may be a matter of perspective; however, the “sad” aspect is very real no matter how you look at it. There are times when health, wealth, and comfort cannot wipe away our tears. There are times when it all looks pointless, and the brightest day feels like a cold rainy night.

If you have been at either end of the slave chain, I’m sorry. I don’t know your particular scenario, but I do know this: you have scars. Those scars may very well remain there until your last day. Now you are left with a choice. And yes, I still believe we have choices. Are your scars defining you, or are you defining your scars?

Why is depression still around?

Why is depression still around?

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Have you ever asked yourself what’s up with the alarming increase of depression, suicide, and anxiety when the self-help “section” of society is also booming?  There’s not a single store, mall, library, bookstore, medical building, or therapist’s office that doesn’t have a poster or magazine about the wonders of mindfulness, the anti-depressive qualities of meditation, and the availability of a groundbreaking treatment that tries to convince people that you shouldn’t feel “bad” because “bad” doesn’t exist.  From movies, to Netflix, to music videos, to talk shows, it seems like everyone is talking about the miraculous benefits of looking within, while the evidence to the practical ineffectiveness of that attitude is mounting.

Every year thousands of people line up with an extreme amount of excitement to get their hands on the newest iPhone, or the hip new gadget that will “change their lives forever.”  The interesting thing is that “forever” usually ends a few weeks later.  The pursuit of novelty is such a powerful force that some have made a career out of leaking the newest information just to give consumers a small taste of what they’ll eventually get tired of.  When we try to fill a bottomless existencial hole with “things” we are repeating to ourselves the same lie that has led countless other “things-searchers” to end up full of empty stuff, unable to sleep and with nobody to share the wealth with, which just adds to a valueless existence.We live in an age where we can see the final product of material abundance.  Like never before, this generation can have almost everything it wants; if not in a literal sense, at least in the virtual world.  Think about it; a regular postmodern Western lifestyle is absolutely prosperous.  That is not a bad thing.  I am thankful for the relative comfort and safety I enjoy every day, and for the opportunities I have in life.  But I would be foolish to think that commodities don’t have a psychological price.  Things can get out of hand fairly quickly.  The freedom we enjoy can slip into slavery before we know it.  Becoming shackled by things, position, and status, can happen to anyone who convinced themselves that their emptiness can be filled by them.

There are several indicators and studies showing that since the early 1900s, the rates of depression, hopelessness, and suicide have steadily gone up.  It is true that there’s always the problem of underdiagnosis in the beginning of the 20th century versus some overdiagnosis in the beginning of the 21st century.  However, the trend still remains, and it is relatively easy to notice. The media often covers stories giving evidence to this notion.  As mentioned before, movies, music, fashion, and TV shows seem to reflect this theme even more.

On the other hand, the increasing rates of depression appear to clash with what we think we know about happiness.  Think of all the ways life is better and easier than the early 1900s. Back then, if you wanted to communicate with your family member living in another state, you had to handwrite a letter, get on your horse (if you had one), ride to the post office to drop it off, and wait several days for it make the journey and be delivered.  Then wait several more days for a reply.  There were no fast food restaurants, supermarkets, pizza delivery, dishwashers, laundromats, and healthcare, to name a few. In a world where children played outside in the rain or snow, and their entertainment consisted of listening to grandpa’s stories infused with morality, there was little time for boredom.  And when they were “bored,” their minds had enough creativity to solve the problem quickly.

The point is that they didn’t have many options, so they made the best out of the ones they had.  Life was hard back then, in comparison to today, and people had to learn to adapt.  The need to make the most out of the little they had was replaced by a generation that makes the least out of the most it has. This attitude tends to slowly devalue the preciousness of life.  So many things are now either replaceable or disposable, that we start to act as if people and time itself are replaceable or disposable, leading us to ignore the need to invest our time in others, which inadvertently would benefit us socially and emotionally. By diminishing the value of values and increasing the value of vanity we continue digging ourselves a deeper hole in our psyche.

What’s the solution?  When I’m having a therapy session with someone, I often encourage them not to ask questions they already know the answers to.  Sometimes we do that to deceive ourselves, others, or to avoid thinking about something that will poke our comfort bubble.  I suspect this question is no different.  So, what is the solution?

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