Happiness

Panic-demic: There are no vaccines for fear, so you can do this instead.

Panic-demic: There are no vaccines for fear, so you can do this instead.

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When a client and I develop a treatment plan for anxiety, I always start by having them memorize two sentences:

  1. “Fear of death doesn’t keep you from dying, it just keeps your from living.”
  2. “Anxiety is uncomfortable but not dangerous.” 

I wish I could take credit for these sentences, but I heard them years ago from two different people.  I also wish I could remember their names… 

From a five-year-old TED talk given by Bill Gates, to articles written in the turn of the century warning about potential viral outbreaks from exotic foods, to a 3,400 year old health law telling people that bats should not be eaten (Leviticus 11:19), one thing is clear: we have not learned our lesson.  The stuff we have only seen in movies is happening before our eyes, and when our lives become part of the script we sure have no idea how to act. 

Do we play it cool and let the dust settle?  Do we go along with the panic so useful for the media? Do we find a middle ground and oscillate between fear and hope?  I don’t know what your coping strategy is, but whatever perspective you take, this crisis will sure reveal something about you that you wouldn’t otherwise know.  This is what happens during difficult times. 

Historically, when crises have hit America we’ve done a good job at coming together to find strength in unity.  This one is a bit different; due to the nature of a viral pandemic, the last thing we want to do is come together.  “Social distancing” is the new term that up until recently has made no sense to me.  Of course we can still “come together” in other ways, and that has been good.  Technology has helped a lot.  We are praying more for one another, we are contacting each other more over the various social media platforms, and even churches are conducting services online.  We are trying to live as normally as we can under these circumstances. 

We can already begin to speculate on the direction society will take after the Covid-19 crisis.  Hollywood will undoubtably join in on the action with movies about this time in our lives, and the medical industry is already shifting its attention to a gap that existis in the infectious disease department.  I’m already looking forward to our collective learning.  Maybe we’ll admit that person to person contact is actually important, and that being together for a concert or a church service is beneficial for our mental health.

When the world experiences a panic attack we may find ourselves gasping for air.  Everywhere we turn we find more question marks than exclamation points.  For a generation that has been spoiled by safe spaces, when those spaces are gone the real enemy starts to emerge.  Unfortunately for many, that enemy is their very thoughts. 

If we look at the numbers, we probably live in the safest time in human history.  Although some disagree, we do live in good, predictable, spoiled times.  Why, then,  are anxiety disorders continuing to rise? The short answer is that anxiety has nothing to do with what’s happening outside ourselves and everything to do with what’s happening between our ears.  Anxiety is more about how we interpret a situation than the situation itself.  The anxiety about an event is, in the vast majority of cases, far worse than the event itself.

When I’m talking to a client who struggles with anxiety, we usually start by creating a short list of five aspects of their lives they have control over.  We then create a list of five aspects of their lives they have no control over.  Although the answers vary slightly, these are the most common answers:

Things that I have control over:

  1. My decisions
  2. My time (present)
  3. My beliefs
  4. My finances
  5. My habits

 Things I have no control over:

  1. The decisions of others
  2. The past and the future
  3. My thoughts (you may have no control over the thoughts that come into your mind, but you have control over which ones to believe)
  4. The thoughts of others
  5. The weather (this includes natural disasters)

When the activity is done, I say something like this: “You can give yourself permission to worry about everything on the first list, but take a break from worrying about the other list…after all, you have no control over that stuff.”  For the spiritually interested client, we can go a step further and say: “the no-control list belongs to God, let Him worry about that for you.”  The interesting thing about this activity is that people quickly realize that the majority of things they have been fearful of are in the “no control” list.  No wonder they have been spiraling down the anxiety pit for a long time.  It takes time for people to escape their negative automatic thoughts (NATs), but when it happens they notice how much of life they’ve been missing. 

Let’s end with another list.  This one is more specific to our current Coronavirus crisis.  If you’re wondering how to cope with this, think about the following:

  1. Stay away from excessive news watching (they’re just reminding you of things you have no control over) – five minutes a day is enough to know the latest.
  2. Read – challenge yourself to read a book in the next two weeks.  You won’t regret it.
  3. Rest – go ahead, sleep more, it’s ok.
  4. Exercise – you might as well boost your immunity.
  5. Use all that toilet paper to teach your kids how the Egyptians buried their royalty.

Stay safe! 

The Fortnite Obsession

The Fortnite Obsession

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One of the most rewarding parts of my job is helping a teenager go from “whatever-itis” to discovering that real life is actually worth living.  Young people are already dealing with a host of internal struggles that require an ever increasing ability to cope with reality.  Whatever removes them from accepting and confronting real life hinders their psychological growth, and automatically sets them up for future anxiety, panic, depression, and so on.  Reality will always stare them in the face at the end of the day, no matter how hard they try to escape it.

The developing brain is a remarkable machine that is constantly pruning itself and sharpening its corners. Without this constant “brainscaping” the neurological grass will always be messy, cluttered, and confused.  The childhood and teenage years are crucial in terms of input from outside.  The avenues of the mind need to be constantly guarded for the neurons to create a psychological work of art that will strengthen the person as the years roll on.  If those years are wasted in toxic activities, such as playing too much videogames, the results can be devastating.  The addictive nature of certain games will create a dependency that may follow the person throughout life, event though the object of the addiction may change.

In talking to some of my younger clients, I have noticed a scary “I don’t care” attitude to almost any activity that doesn’t involve a certain stimulus.  In this case, videogames.  To be more specific, the game Fortnite has been vacuuming teenagers’ minds with a force that is akin to the strongest illicit drugs you can think of.  Fortnite is a third-person shooter game that is creating an itch and scratching it at the same time.  It attracts the young masses because it’s free to play, but once they are hooked, they need to constantly purchase new upgrades in order for the “fun” to continue.  An effective marketing strategy to say the least.  If you take a quick internet look you’ll notice that parents are losing battles left and right with their kids over this game, let alone the marriages that are being dissolved.  It is a poisonous arrow that was aimed at our kids and pierced their skill with pinpoint accuracy.

Millions of children and teenagers across the world are in bed with Fortnite, and don’t you dare tell them to stop! If you remove their drug, be prepared for the withdrawal guilt-trips, threats, rage, tantrums, self-harming behaviors, insomnia, irritability, and unfortunately even suicidal ideation.  The more they play, the stronger the relationship; the obsession is such that, for some, life is just not worth living without Fortnite.

What can you do about it?

  1. Understand that the world does not care about your children’s happiness.  They see your kids as consumers and easy targets.  There are no morals and values in the entertainment world.  Their god is money, and they will gladly sacrifice your children on their alters.
  2. Educate yourself on your child’s world.  It may sound like a waste of time to learn about stupid addicting games, but if they’re eating your children, the least you can do is familiarize yourself with the monster.
  3. Educate your children.  Explain to them why certain games are not healthy and are not allowed in the home.  Stand your ground.  Don’t succumb to manipulative tactics kids use to shame you into giving in.
  4. Admit that you’re dealing with an addiction.  Addicted individuals are really good at doing and saying whatever is needed to keep the addiction alive, even pretending to go along with your plan for a while.
  5. Gradually replace the addictive substance with something else.  It could be a board game, joining a soccer league, hiking, scouts, puzzle, fishing, drawing, playing an instrument, table tennis, etc.
  6. Make time to be with your kids.  I know you have a job and schedules are tight.  But ask yourself this: Do you prefer having “that” car, living in “that” house, taking “that” trip and losing your child; or do you prefer having a simpler life and giving your child his or her parents back?
  7.  Screens are not babysitters.
  8. Work with your children and for your children in expanding their social circle.  By social, I don’t mean social networks.  I’m still trying to figure out what’s so “social” about that.  From after school activities, to joining a church, to horseback riding, you can find something to help you kids enjoy the real world and real relationships.
  9. Spending money on quality activities with your children is not wasted money, it’s an investment.  Wasted money is buying a video-game.
  10. Gaming is not a coping skill.  There are therapists out there who will insist that video-games are effective “coping skills” to help you child “feel better.”  Gaming will make your child’s tantrum go away the same way snorting coke will.

Chances are you have tried some of these strategies.  It takes time.  Getting professional help may also be a good idea, depending on the history, and whether or not your child already has some mood issues to deal with.  Remember that you need to be the voice of reason for your children.  As a parent, your primary job is not to make your children “like” you, it’s to discipline them with love and firmness so as to ensure they reach their potential.

 

When Curiosity Dies

When Curiosity Dies

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I remember a time when I was fascinated by things I didn’t understand.  I still remember watching my father send a fax to a friend who lived on the other side of the world.  Of course, this was the pre-internet era.  It was already cool enough to talk to people over the telephone, but to send and receive actual written material was beyond me.  My nine-year-old brain wondered: did his words travel through the air?  How can all those paragraphs fit inside the wires and travel so fast?  When I saw a fax coming over, I would think about how those words organized themselves to be exactly like it was when it was written.  I remember asking my parents about it, my friends, my parents’ friends, and my teacher.  I think I even asked my pastor.  I don’t think any answer satisfied me…not because they weren’t true, but perhaps because my young mind simply couldn’t make sense of it.  It didn’t help to hear an explanation like: “it travels through electricity,” or “the written words travel just like the spoken words, but they’re deciphered in a different way.”  Okay, I could sort of understand how sound traveled because I remember doing the experiment with the plastic cups connected with a string, but written stuff? I needed more than that.  Don’t forget that I couldn’t “google” anything because google wasn’t around in 1993.  That curiosity bothered me; but it bothered me in a good way.  Who was the mind behind this “magic?”  What kind of person wakes up and says: “I’m going to make a robot that can send letters through the air?”  I must confess that over time I just learned to accept that I had no clue how the thing worked, I just knew that it worked. 

A similar situation happened when I first started playing the trumpet.  How can this instrument with only three pistons make so many notes?  I remember taking my trumpet apart, running water through it, looking at the different combinations of holes and pipes, and finally understanding how it worked…of course it took multiple attempts and several months of thinking.  It was a glorious day to say the least.  I think I was about 12 or 13 years old when it made sense.  I learned that the length of each pipe, and the speed of the air coming from my vibrating lips worked together with the pressing of the pistons to create an unlimited variety of sounds.  After that it was easier to understand how a trombone works, how a flute works, saxophone, clarinet, tuba, and virtually all other wind and brass instrument.  That simple understanding helped open a door that demystified a whole species of instruments. 

When I got my first guitar, at 12, I went through the same process.  I finally understood why every acoustic guitar had a hole in the middle, why each string was different, how tuning works, and the beautiful combination of different vibrations.  I would imagine the sound waves hitting each other at different speeds when I was tuning, or when a piece of music had a deliberate dissonant note, and why it mattered.  My curiosity helped me understand how those instruments were made, and how the sounds had an impact on me.  It also helped me learn other instruments on my own.

Speaking of sounds and instruments, I continued my journey to “figure it out” by taking speakers apart, books, computer mouse (admit it, you also couldn’t resist playing with that rubber ball inside the mouse), toys, etc.  I remember being just as thrilled putting them back together as when taking them apart, as I had the feeling of “knowing what’s inside.”  When we understand how something works, it slowly begins to open other possibilities, as it motivates us to keep digging and understanding our world.  It soon helps us transition from wanting to know how things work, to why they exist.  

Let me give you an example: my understanding of a dissonant chord being sound waves that interfere with each other will be incomplete if I don’t know why they’re used.  When you hear a dissonant chord, you instinctively know that something is wrong.  It doesn’t make sense, it’s awkward, it feels confusing, even irritating.  Then you hear a “resolution” and the chord produces sound waves that travel through the air without clashing, producing a smooth harmony.  All of a sudden that irritating and incomplete “feeling” resolves itself and the listener can finally breathe again.  Sometimes a “wrong” or dissonant chord is there to help us appreciate the harmonious chord.  Maybe it reminds us that things in life sometimes are incomplete, irritable, or just bad and we want it to stop so we can relax again.  We can listen to the same “pattern” in music and look forward to the time when the dissonance will stop and we can calm down.  That is the “why.”  That simple example helps us understand why music can accurately reflect life, and serve as a partner to share our emotions.  

When we feed our curiosity in healthy ways, we expand our intellect and learn to exercise patience, among other things.  I have noticed in the last decade a gradual, painful death of curiosity.  As much as I avoid reading into things, I can’t help but wonder if there’s a negative correlation between curiosity and mental health problems.  I have definitely noticed a decrease in curiosity and an increase in apathy at least among many of my clients.  Most of those individuals are younger, between 10 and 30, and a big chunk of my initial work with them is to help them care…about anything.  It seems like they’re only “curious” about the next generation smart phone, video-game, or streaming series to binge watch.  And even then it’s a very short lived curiosity.  Everything else seems to take a back seat.  

I worry when I think about the future leaders, teachers, and examples who have spent more time consuming life than figuring out how life works.  It seems like our generation forgot that every idea that makes their life fun and easy had a very curious person behind it.  What’s so important about curiosity nowadays?  How does it affect our relationships? Research has identified four ways in which curiosity helps us.  Let’s go through them and find out a few lessons we can learn.

  1. People who are curious have better relationships.  It turns out that when it comes to relationships, it is much better to be interested than interesting.  People will naturally treat you better if you show that you are curious about them, and vice versa.  Keep in mind that there’s always a balance; being curious is not the same as being obsessive.  Obsession is that thing that makes you want to look at social media every five minutes to see what is trending, or who is traveling to the amazing place that you’ll never afford.  That is not curiosity.  It’s actually a deceptive form of selfishness…but that’s not what we’re talking about today.  Think about your own experience; do you find yourself more attracted to individuals who ask questions or who just want answers? 
  2. People who are curious deal with rejection better.  Maybe it’s due to the ongoing shot of “hope” that curious people have, or maybe they have learned to look at different angles of a difficult situation.  Whatever the case, research is finding that curious people don’t allow rejection to define their lives as much as others. 
  3. People who are curious show less aggression.  Curious people don’t take things too personally, at least when compared to less curious people.  The theory is that curious people have an improved ability to take another person’s perspective, which naturally creates empathy.  When we are able to step in other people’s shoes, we’re much more likely to treat them with respect, even if they’ve done something against us. 
  4. Curious people enjoy socializing more.  Maybe we didn’t need research to tell us this one, but it’s always good to have some science to back it up; it sounds more sophisticated.  There’s the added anti-anxiety benefit to being curious.  People who experience social anxiety, another increasing problem, tend to focus on themselves more (e.g., heart rate, sweating, posture, breathing, etc.) which consequently cause others to be less interested.  When you let go of those self-evaluating tendencies you give yourself permission to be interested in others, thus allowing others to feel more relaxed and open around you, which will in turn decrease your nervousness.  It’s easy to see how the snow-ball effect happens, so try your hardest to stop looking at yourself and get to know others. *

If you are a naturally shy person and have struggled to “care” about how things work, or genuinely show interest in other people, there is good news.  Anyone can learn to develop curiosity.  Next time you stop by your favorite restaurant on a Saturday night and see a tired waiter trying to help you enjoy your meal, take some time to ask a few simple questions to show them someone cares.  Or when you find yourself driving to the mechanic to have your oil changed, open the hood and try to figure it out…who knows, you may save a few bucks over time, and in the process become a more interested/interesting person. 

Source: 

*https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_curious_people_have_better_relationships

Survival of the “Selfishest”

Survival of the “Selfishest”

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By this time in the game of life, we should have realized that society has taken a “u” turn towards me. The ability to develop empathy, meaningful non-virtual relationships, and other-centered love has been largely replaced by the idea that putting “me” first is the only way to achieve personal growth. In case we forget that, we can always be reminded of the importance of “me” by the front facing camera on our phones.

When self becomes number one, the rest of the world becomes at best number two. That mindset creates an automatic devaluation of others, thus making it easier to discriminate, bully, and undermine the infinite value possessed by every living soul. It is no wonder that the same generation that pretends to defend the “coexist” mantra is also deifying self and making ruthless war against all who stand in their way. As soon as my feelings are hurt, your wellbeing is a mere annoyance. What we are seeing, again, is an obvious and deliberate turn from the godly values that serve as a foundation for peace.

“He must increase, but I must decrease.” John 3:30

This verse provides a simple, practical counsel as to how we can counteract this deceptive model that puts self at the center. It may even sound contradicting, but when you think of others before you think of yourself, a surge of life-giving energy pumps through your body that is more effective than many of the counsels you receive through the appropriately called “self-help” isle.

When Jesus said that it is “more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35), He was not merely giving a humble proverb to keep His children from being mean, He was giving yet another prescription for life. We are actually designed to give. This universe was carefully orchestrated to play the music of selflessness, creating a never ending cycle of giving. In his book “Could It Be This Simple,” Dr. Timothy Jennings describes this life law as follows:

“In nature we witness this cycle in the sun warming the oceans, which creates the clouds, which rain on the land to form lakes, rivers, and streams, which flow through the land bringing life…The plants produce the oxygen necessary for animals to live, and animals in turn produce carbon dioxide, which plants need to grow…Even in nature, when giving ceases so does life. The pool of water that stops flowing and releasing its water soon stagnates, and everything in it dies. When we cease to give our breath to benefit the plants, we inevitably die. It is through giving that we live.” p. 60-61.

We all know that receiving help, care, and support helps to reduce stress. Research has shown time and again that being the receivers of loving actions is associated with a longer lifespan, as it lowers coronary artery disease, hypertension, ulcers, and even alcoholism. However, studies are also pointing to the added advantages of giving help, care and support that go beyond the benefits of receiving, especially when it comes to mental health. In fact, one study even indicates that volunteerism can help you live slightly longer than if you exercise four times per week without volunteering (Russek & Schwartz, 1997).

There really is a life-giving quality to putting others first. It is no wonder the apostle Paul, when describing what love is in his first letter to the Corinthians, chapter 13, wrote the phrase “it is not self-seeking” as the pinnacle of his great chapter on love. That is the crux of the matter; the more you love, the more you give; the more you give, the more you live. Speaking of “crux,” there’s no greater example of life-generating altruistic love than the Creator of the universe hanging on a cross to transfer His life to a dead humanity.

One of the facets of the cross is precisely this. Hanging on that tree, Jesus accomplished more than the forgiveness, redemption, and revelation of His character. He put humanity back in tune with the life-giving force that pulls together all creation. The dissonant note introduced by sin was erased by the greatest act of selflessness ever witnessed by the universe.

It is often assumed that love and hate are at opposite ends of the spectrum. But looking at it closely, we can see that hate is not the opposite of love. In fact, love and hate are dangerously close to each other. The more you love, the more you’ll hate. Think about it, the more you love children the more you’ll hate abortion; the more you love peace the more you’ll hate war. Your hate is proportionate to your love. When God said He hates divorce, it only reflects His love for marriage. God’s abhorrence of deception only reveals His love for truth. God’s hatred of sin is a declaration of love towards sinners. The more you love others, the more you want to distance yourself from selfish tendencies.

Going along with the aposte Paul’s definition of love as being expressed as selflessness, its opposite could only be putting self first. It is very difficult to empathize, love, and care when your primary objective is to find out what’s in it for you. Although it has manifested itself in diverse ways, selfishness has been the backbone of the invisible monster that has ruined empires, governments, marriages, careers, and lives. It is a cancer that gradually grows, sometimes imperceptibly, and destroys itself after doing its pleasurable damage to the host.

As we have seen, our philosophical confusion has enthroned the self as never before. It now rests with each of us to both recognize and reverse this strongest of tendencies. A good start is to rediscover the joy of being genuinely happy for the success of others, and to teach our children to do the same. It’s not that hard, is it?

Sources:

Jennings, T. R. (2007). Could it be this simple: A biblical model for healing the mind. Review & Herald Publishing Association.

Russek, L. G., & Schwartz, G. E. (1997). Perceptions of parental caring predict health status in midlife: A 35-year follow-up of the Harvard Mastery of Stress Study. Psychosomatic Medicine, 59, 144–149.

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